i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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