i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
it's like iHOP with fire
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
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