you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
