I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
