Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
