well I can't set my house on fire every night
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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