he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
