Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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