did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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