your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
