She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
