i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
