i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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