So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Randomize
