its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
