How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
vagina is talking i cant
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
