the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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