Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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