My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
