I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
