Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
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