Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
