if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
sarcasm needs its own font
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
