You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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