Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
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