I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
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