On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
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