Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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