hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
