she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
This baby is an asshole
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
