I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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