i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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