then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Randomize
