i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
