I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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