I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
