Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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