Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
