Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
