She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
i want to swaddle you in tequila
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
