I puked a lego.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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