I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
