It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
