dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
