hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
only you would photoshop your dick
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
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