i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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