Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
