So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
