i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
