fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
