I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Randomize
