It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize