weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
