I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
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