Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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