I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
