they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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