Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
