woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
