theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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