The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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