i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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