apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Every concussion has its silver lining
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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