dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Randomize
