I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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